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[outofoffice]

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[sangreine]

And still ridiculous. [ Grumbling for sure. She's at least as mad at herself as she is upset. ] One day I'll have enough memories to act my age.

In the meantime, sign me up for a "the last game ruined something I thought was important and all I got was this need to drink heavily" t-shirt. The short, clichéd story is that running around inside the heart of someone I was starting to really care about was awful, but not near as much as finding out she was probably using me as a bad substitute for someone she lost. Now I'm acting like a lost puppy begging for scraps only to get kicked over and over for bothering.

[ And depositing her face in one hand. ] I told you, pathetic.

[outofoffice]

[ Pathetic problems, no. Baby ducking learning to walk problems? Perhaps. ]

Are you quite sure that's the truth of the matter, rather than an interpretation?

[sangreine]

[ Yeah she'd agree with that assessment, but she has all of a couple weeks of memories, give her a break. ]

Of course it's interpretation. When someone tells me to go away and refuses to discuss anything I'd say I don't have much choice but to make a few assumptions. And even if some of them aren't exactly right, the go away part was damn clear.

[outofoffice]

A dear friend of mine told me to leave them after that game as well. It was nothing to do with me, though -- he simply wished to gather his thoughts and composure.

It very well may be the same, albeit with . . . harsher delivery.

[sangreine]

Someone else told me that too, but it wasn't the same. There's a difference between someone that will let you in a little but needs some time, and someone who won't let you in at all.

It's not like I don't get wanting to be alone when bad things happen. [ Venti was there after her bloodlust hit her the first time, self-loathing sure is a hell of a drug. ] She made a whole thing about intending to stick around and the bad things that happened to me didn't matter, twice actually. Which is why I thought I should at least try, after I gave her some space and waited for her to contact me first. That conversation went down in flames because she would not answer a simple question about whether she's doing any better, even after I said we don't have to talk about it.

There are only so many times someone can shove me off before it feels not worth the trouble. Maybe that's just who she is, which is fine, I'm not blaming anyone for it, but that doesn't mean I want to sign up for more of it. Especially if she wants it to be that one-sided.

[outofoffice]

Ah, I think I understand . . .

It may be as simple as a bad match, but that doesn't mean your emotions are on the same page as your mind.

[ Reaching out to pet her hair ]

I can see why you're so hurt and disappointed.

[sangreine]

[ Leaning into that petting, shameless as ever. ] I'll manage. Mostly I just feel ridiculous, like I should have known better. The other two people I was maybe getting feelings for aren't any less frustrating, but I have plenty of friends to keep my bed warm without complications. It could be a lot worse.

[ Not to say she doesn't want to drink some magic booze and forget that feelings exist, because she definitely does. ]

[outofoffice]

Known better? With your abundance of memories, you mean?

[ Hairpets will not stop until morale improves, then ]

Unfortunately, the only options are to remember these things, or experience them anew yourself.

[ Because if she's as old as she says, there's a 100% chance she knows all this already and simply needs to remember it. ]

[sangreine]

Both those options are terrible. It's a good thing you're good at hair stroking.

[ Look, a smile! She's not too in her angst for that. ]

If you knew what my first memory was, you'd understand why I'm not so eager to buy more. I know I'll have to, but one obnoxious mess at a time.

[outofoffice]

I can't pretend to understand the difficulty of the choice, as I came here with my memories intact. However . . .

You have the option of simply not taking them at all, and starting anew. To remember the past, or break from it; that is one of the few freedoms this place allows us.

[sangreine]

Unfortunately, I don't. Not really. It would be reckless if I chose not to find out more about myself how I maybe could control whatever happens to me when I get hungry, or -- [ sighing ]

You can watch the memory, if you want. I can't think of a better time than before getting hammered to deal with it, and it might help you understand why I can't just choose to ignore my past. Even having asked people to take care of things if I lose myself [ yes she did talk to Zhongli, and several others ], I don't want to ask them to clean up my mess if I'm not willing to take steps to maybe spare them that.

[ She is very selective in what she takes wisdom points in, clearly. ]

[outofoffice]

I'm not opposed to it . . . but you needn't relive a trauma just for my understanding, either.

[sangreine]

[ A rueful smile ] I relive it every second. Seeing it again won't break me open. But if it'll help get you to keep petting my hair, then by all means consider me about to crack.

And you have a right to know, anyway. Everyone here does.

[ She opens her phone and plays the damn thing again. She doesn't look at the screen, because she doesn't need to. ]

[outofoffice]

[ Surprisingly or unsurprisingly, depending on what she was expecting, there isn't much of an outward reaction from him. He sits in thoughtful silence for a while after the memory ends.

He's tempted to ask if she remembers any of the context, but suspects the answer will be something like "Does it really matter?"

(And it does, he thinks, but that's a hypothetical argument for the hypothetical future) ]


I see. I understand why you're concerned.

[sangreine]

[ Sadly, she has no context. If she did, that might make this very slightly less horrifying, if only because she'd know why, and maybe how to prevent it. But there weren't even words in her head during all that slaughter, no human feelings at all, just a red haze of rage. ]

Knowing this place, they'll give me every horrible moment of my past except what I need to prevent ever doing that again. But I have to try.

[ Glancing over, ] I know you've seen a lot, but I don't want to just assume you're fine spending time with me after seeing that.

[outofoffice]

[ The hair petting turns into a brief hair ruffle ]

I could be saying the same to you. After all, I've done my fair share of terrible things as well.

[sangreine]

[ Hair ruffles are almost as approved as pets! Especially when they mean something other than the cold shoulder. ]

Zhongli said something similar when I showed him. -- Yes yes, I took your advice, gloat if you need to.

But if you know what it's like, I guess you also know that it doesn't help to hear that other people did terrible things too. Nothing helps. I have to live with that, and I will, but please don't try to talk me out of being miserable about it. I'd prefer to keep liking you.

[outofoffice]

Ehe, well . . . we're cut from much the same cloth, he and I.

But as for me specifically, I've never been in the habit of telling anyone how they should feel. Those things belong only to you. And even if I tried, it's not like I would succeed, right? Certainly not against anyone so stubborn.

Of course, by that same token, you've no power over how I feel about it. And I still feel that you're my friend.

[sangreine]

Hey, my stubbornness is a point of pride. [ It cuts both ways, and she knows it, but some things are just baked in. And to that end, maybe she should revisit that conversation she had with Zhongli, if for no other reason than she doesn't want to risk Venti being something with her over the matter. ]

I'm in no position to turn my nose up at anyone who wants to be my friend. Especially someone with such good hands who can also get me drunk.

[outofoffice]

[ Giggling obnoxiously ]

Uwah, I see. You only love me because I'm good in bed. ♪

[sangreine]

Of course! What better reason to keep someone around? [ You have to do way better than that to get her to blush. ] Don't forget the drinking, that's important too. But if I had to pick just one, definitely being good in bed wins.

[outofoffice]

[ We're aiming for laughter, not fluster ]

Ahhh, it's good to be useful!

[sangreine]

Yes, very impressive. You should write a song about it -- wait, you probably already have.

[outofoffice]

Not yet! But if you ever need my songwriting abilities, I gladly offer them. I can write a very sweet love ballad, you know.

Ehe, but I can also write something quite scathing and rude . . .

[sangreine]

I can't imagine why I'd ever need a love ballad, but the snarky one sounds fun. As long as it's kept quiet, I'm not trying to hurt anyone here.

Any songs about your sexual prowess, though, that should be as public as possible. I'll even help you perform it.