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Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[sangreine]

It's not really an event. [ More of an effort to get her to stop being stupid. ]

We don't have to be social. If you don't want to. [ All the Ventismiles in the world are not enough to keep her here if it's a burden on anyone, or an obligation. ]

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[leaveofabsence]

I have always enjoyed your company, Alizarin.

But perhaps the question should be asked in reverse - do you wish to be social? A lot has happened recently.

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[sangreine]

If I only knew how to answer that question, a lot of things would be much easier. [ Not just here, but in general. ]

[ And she's been drinking magic booze so for once she's actually going to try to answer honestly, instead of using as few words as possible in an attempt to hide. ]

The trouble isn't whether I like you, or like your company, because I do. But the more I learn about myself, the clearer it is that I'm not anyone good, maybe not even a person at all. Sooner or later I'm going to disappoint you, or hurt someone you love, or both.

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[leaveofabsence]

[ Asking, genuinely: ]

And what do you define as a person?

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[sangreine]

[ She hesitates just out of habit, but the point of this is to talk. ]

Someone who is more than a weapon or a toy for others to use.

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[leaveofabsence]

Ah. Is that how you see yourself?

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[sangreine]

I'm still putting the pieces together, but something like that, yeah. I don't know if humans made me or found me, but they know just how to use me.

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[leaveofabsence]

And do you feel the same way here with the people around you? I imagine it would be difficult not to seeing as the production is designed to treat us as a resource and a commodity.

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[sangreine]

Of course not! Nobody here gets a choice in anything, not really. I was talking about my home world.

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[leaveofabsence]

I see.

So even with the distance, you do not feel like a person here?

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[sangreine]

I don't know. You remember when you first met me, how I could barely talk? It was a lot worse before that. I was basically feral, couldn't say a word. I tore up half the dorm in a rage.

That's not something that happens to people when they wake up here, just me. And where I'm from I was an experiment of some kind. [ It's definitely enough to get her wondering. ]

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[leaveofabsence]

I do remember.

I found it quite remarkable that you were able to adapt to the world around you so fast. And even now, it seems you've come a long way in the ability to express your thoughts and opinions.

As such, my own experiences paint your journey in perhaps a different light than the one you are experiencing. And I do not wish to disregard that as much as my own nature wishes me to act.

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[sangreine]

-- Your own experiences?

[ That doesn't make any sense, he's a dragon-god or whatever, not some twisted experiment slash weapon. ]

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[leaveofabsence]

The line of good and evil is easily crossed. What I might view as mercy, someone else could interpret as cruelty. And history tells the story from the eyes of the victors.

You may see yourself as not a person - someone who is meant to be used to the wielder's benefit.

But I see someone who stands outside of a circle and in equal parts wishes to be included but does not dare to join. And wishing to belong while being cautious of harming oneself or others - that to me, seems like a very human response.

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[sangreine]

[ She looks stricken for a moment, then flushes and looks down. Somehow she hadn't expected to be caught quite so dead to rights. (Hadn't Venti said that Zhongli didn't read emotions well? Was she set up here?) ]

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[leaveofabsence]

[ Ask him about his own emotions. And his lack of filter.

Or don't actually.

In the awkward silence that follows, he just takes a slow sip of his own drink.





Oops. ]

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[sangreine]

[ Well now she feels like she did something wrong. Great system they have going here! ]

Sorry. I was just surprised. No one ever got it that close before.

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[leaveofabsence]

Then I apologize if I attempted to push you toward the circle before you were ready. I would rather you approach when the time is right for you. Not anyone else.

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[sangreine]

It's -- not just about what I want. I can't put people in danger for something like that.

I don't know how much of what I feel is real, but I don't want to be whatever awful thing they tried to make me.

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[leaveofabsence]

I understand your viewpoint, Alizarin. I truly do. With power comes responsibility. And you are wise and kind enough to try and wield such things appropriately.

And while that might be fair to others, is that fair to you?

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[sangreine]

I think the innocent people I killed would define fairness very differently.

There are times when I can put it enough out of mind to be selfish and get close to people, and times when I can't. [ This is a roundabout way of saying that certain people remind her of the horrific things she's done. It's not their fault, she knows that, but she also can't help it. ] I don't understand why, probably because I don't have my memories. But there are times when I can't think of anything else, and wouldn't it be wrong of me to shove them out of my head to focus on my own happiness?

I can't really die, not where I'm from and not here, so I can't even offer my life as some small amends. All I can try to do is make sure it never happens again, and I don't know how to do that either. I can't change the past, I can't make any promises about the future, so when I hear those screams in my head I feel like I should -- honor them, in whatever way I can. [ Punishing herself in little ways, death by a thousand cuts. Wholly inadequate, but what else has she to offer? ]

Maybe that doesn't make any sense.

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[leaveofabsence]

I believe it does.

You do not think you have anything to offer that can balance the scales of your past. Not your life itself nor an immortal's lifetime of attempting to repay that debt.

And thus you remain in the present unable to reconcile the past or move toward the future.

Do I understand that correctly?

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[sangreine]

...More or less.

[ 'Doesn't want to reconcile anything or move forward' would be the most precisely accurate, but she's not going to argue the point when it's probably an irrelevant correction. ]

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[leaveofabsence]

Then may I be allowed to share this present moment with you where we talk of neither and are simply allowed to be?

Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

[sangreine]

[ On one hand, if she could just turn off those thoughts then she wouldn't have such a problem. On the other, he's at least not trying to talk her out of anything, which is what exhausts and frustrates her the most. And also, she did promise to try this. ]

I can't promise I won't be distracted to the point of being insulting.