I found it quite remarkable that you were able to adapt to the world around you so fast. And even now, it seems you've come a long way in the ability to express your thoughts and opinions.
As such, my own experiences paint your journey in perhaps a different light than the one you are experiencing. And I do not wish to disregard that as much as my own nature wishes me to act.
The line of good and evil is easily crossed. What I might view as mercy, someone else could interpret as cruelty. And history tells the story from the eyes of the victors.
You may see yourself as not a person - someone who is meant to be used to the wielder's benefit.
But I see someone who stands outside of a circle and in equal parts wishes to be included but does not dare to join. And wishing to belong while being cautious of harming oneself or others - that to me, seems like a very human response.
[ She looks stricken for a moment, then flushes and looks down. Somehow she hadn't expected to be caught quite so dead to rights. (Hadn't Venti said that Zhongli didn't read emotions well? Was she set up here?) ]
Then I apologize if I attempted to push you toward the circle before you were ready. I would rather you approach when the time is right for you. Not anyone else.
I understand your viewpoint, Alizarin. I truly do. With power comes responsibility. And you are wise and kind enough to try and wield such things appropriately.
And while that might be fair to others, is that fair to you?
I think the innocent people I killed would define fairness very differently.
There are times when I can put it enough out of mind to be selfish and get close to people, and times when I can't. [ This is a roundabout way of saying that certain people remind her of the horrific things she's done. It's not their fault, she knows that, but she also can't help it. ] I don't understand why, probably because I don't have my memories. But there are times when I can't think of anything else, and wouldn't it be wrong of me to shove them out of my head to focus on my own happiness?
I can't really die, not where I'm from and not here, so I can't even offer my life as some small amends. All I can try to do is make sure it never happens again, and I don't know how to do that either. I can't change the past, I can't make any promises about the future, so when I hear those screams in my head I feel like I should -- honor them, in whatever way I can. [ Punishing herself in little ways, death by a thousand cuts. Wholly inadequate, but what else has she to offer? ]
You do not think you have anything to offer that can balance the scales of your past. Not your life itself nor an immortal's lifetime of attempting to repay that debt.
And thus you remain in the present unable to reconcile the past or move toward the future.
[ 'Doesn't want to reconcile anything or move forward' would be the most precisely accurate, but she's not going to argue the point when it's probably an irrelevant correction. ]
[ On one hand, if she could just turn off those thoughts then she wouldn't have such a problem. On the other, he's at least not trying to talk her out of anything, which is what exhausts and frustrates her the most. And also, she did promise to try this. ]
I can't promise I won't be distracted to the point of being insulting.
That's Venti again. I'm just taking advantage of his efforts. I still have to get it down fast if there's any hope of feeling much. [ The trouble isn't her tolerance, it's her metabolism. ]
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outofoffice) wrote2021-04-18 11:57 pm
Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
I found it quite remarkable that you were able to adapt to the world around you so fast. And even now, it seems you've come a long way in the ability to express your thoughts and opinions.
As such, my own experiences paint your journey in perhaps a different light than the one you are experiencing. And I do not wish to disregard that as much as my own nature wishes me to act.
Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
[ That doesn't make any sense, he's a dragon-god or whatever, not some twisted experiment slash weapon. ]
Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
You may see yourself as not a person - someone who is meant to be used to the wielder's benefit.
But I see someone who stands outside of a circle and in equal parts wishes to be included but does not dare to join. And wishing to belong while being cautious of harming oneself or others - that to me, seems like a very human response.
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Or don't actually.
In the awkward silence that follows, he just takes a slow sip of his own drink.
Oops. ]
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Sorry. I was just surprised. No one ever got it that close before.
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I don't know how much of what I feel is real, but I don't want to be whatever awful thing they tried to make me.
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And while that might be fair to others, is that fair to you?
Re: Day 442, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
There are times when I can put it enough out of mind to be selfish and get close to people, and times when I can't. [ This is a roundabout way of saying that certain people remind her of the horrific things she's done. It's not their fault, she knows that, but she also can't help it. ] I don't understand why, probably because I don't have my memories. But there are times when I can't think of anything else, and wouldn't it be wrong of me to shove them out of my head to focus on my own happiness?
I can't really die, not where I'm from and not here, so I can't even offer my life as some small amends. All I can try to do is make sure it never happens again, and I don't know how to do that either. I can't change the past, I can't make any promises about the future, so when I hear those screams in my head I feel like I should -- honor them, in whatever way I can. [ Punishing herself in little ways, death by a thousand cuts. Wholly inadequate, but what else has she to offer? ]
Maybe that doesn't make any sense.
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You do not think you have anything to offer that can balance the scales of your past. Not your life itself nor an immortal's lifetime of attempting to repay that debt.
And thus you remain in the present unable to reconcile the past or move toward the future.
Do I understand that correctly?
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[ 'Doesn't want to reconcile anything or move forward' would be the most precisely accurate, but she's not going to argue the point when it's probably an irrelevant correction. ]
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I can't promise I won't be distracted to the point of being insulting.
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1/2
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It is too my understanding that you have procured alcohol with special properties just for this occasion.
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Does that mean you will need to drink it straight from the bottle?
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I don't really need to get drunk out of my mind, either. Just trying to follow instructions.
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[ As he pours her a very very tall drink. ]
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What is this, exactly? Not that it much matters, I'm just curious.
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It appears to be a plum wine. You did mention you liked sweet things, yes?
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You have a good memory.
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